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Love

— Swati Dhawan




love by all means is the elixir of the soul and thereby life.

Currently media has created an illusory sense of love by continuously using the word LOVE for LUST. People fall in love with the thought, idea of LOVE. It is the thought of LOVE that sells. It sells because LOVE in its truest sense –unconditional, all accepting, all encompassing is actually deficient in the lives of the millions of people on this earth. Commercials re-inforce and embed this illusory sense of love through external objects and peripheral means eg: beauty soaps, exotic honeymoon locales, fairness creams, cars, etc (eg: EXIDE loves cars).

There four infallible pillars to the existence of any healthy individual which need to be maintained in equanimity for a healthy and happy existence.

They are as follows:
Emotional Quotient-Essential to be channelised at the right time, place and person Spiritual Quotient-All encompassing belief and faith in a power higher than self which protects, nurtures and takes care of ones needs and wants. It does not have room for greed, pride, divisive forces and actions.
Intellectual Quotient –Best of intellects if channelised in the wrong direction can only cause destruction of one and all(eg: Hitler)
Social Quotient-All humans are social beings and having healthy and happy social interactions is essential for sustaining a respectful life.
All together are important for the wellbeing of any individual.
LOVE is such a small word that encompasses all these areas of life of an individual.
Love is a form of spiritual energy that can be generated and received in psychological, physical or emotional forms. Love is the essence and core of our existence on earth. It is the energy that sustains who or what we are .Everyone in life has a deep rooted desire to love and be loved. Love is a spiritual form of energy that can be given or received in physical, emotional or psychological forms. Love usually starts in our thoughts and then spreads in the material world through our words and actions, then generating positive vibrations and emotions in the outside world. Love is a spiritual gift from the universe whose ultimate expression is physical. By this we mean acts of caring, sharing, kindness, compassion and above all the epitome of love is forgiveness of all who have harmed you intentionally.

Classification: 1) Healthy and Unhealthy
Common examples of love that we come across in our daily lives can be classified as healthy and unhealthy. Jealousy, animosity, manipulative behaviour arising out of possessiveness and insecurity of loosing the loved one and his or her affection and attention is the best form of unhealthy love, to be more precise it can be attributed to being more than selfish or self centred.

Unconditional Love
Accepting, supporting, forgiving
Eg: mother’s love for her children
Human examples: Mother Teresa

Tough Love
Disciplined, authoritative, confirming
eg: father’s love for his children Human examples: Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Baba Amte

Human examples: Mother Teresa
2) Authentic Love
The best example is that of Mother Nature’s or love of universe for its creatures. It loves us and accepts us the way we are. It supports and promotes the good that is within each animate and inanimate creature or object. It protects, uplifts, reinforces and builds on the positive while minimizing and protecting from the negative.

The three parts of love are:
1] Agape-spiritual type of unconditional love
2] Phileo-Brotherly type of love or friendly love
3] Eros-romantic type of passionate love

Types of Lovers:
1) EROS
They are erotic lovers. They desire a high level of commitment, intimacy and passion. Eros often requires a strong ego. Gives fully and intensely in a relationship. Often an erotic lover burns intensely and then dies.
Eg: character of Shah Rukh Khan in Devdas

2) LUDUS
Love is a game. Relationships do not have great depth. Ludus tends to avoid emotional intensity. Tendency to see love as a game which can be played out with diverse partners. Long term and committed relationships are very unlikely.
Eg: Character of Shah Rukh Khan in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

3) STORGE
Love is friendship. Solid, down-to-earth feeling about love. Storge sees love as an evolution. It can take a long time to develop and can last a long time.
Eg: Character of Karishma Kapoor in Dil to Pagal Hai

4) PRAGMA
The logical, rational lover. Pragma would tend to focus on desired attributes of a partner .Pragma tends to find satisfaction in long term relationships with commitment as the basis or grounding. Once in a relationship other feelings can develop gradually over a period of time. It is usually noticed in arranged marriages
Eg: Character of Abhishek Bacchan in Kuch na Kaho

5) MANIA
High emotion, possessive and dependant style of love. Often low self esteem is the cause for it. Alternates between ecstasy and despair. Mania tends to have lack of satisfaction in relationships.
Eg: Character of Shah Rukh Khan in Darr

False forms of Love:
1) Infatuation-usually seen in adolescents, currently due to high exposure to media and subsequent peer pressure even younger children succumb to it.
2) Sexual Act( with emotions or agape and phileo love) eg: One night stands, visit to commercial social workers.Earlier this was predominantly found in men who had to stay away from home and family for work and in the lower socio-economic strata like truck drivers, contract employees ,seafarers ,etc.Nowadays it has become a fashion fad with the advent of dance shows and music competitions on TV which promote promiscuous behaviour or sexual overtones in friendships and colleagues to be socially acceptable and a way of life.

Common situations misunderstood to be love:
Friendship-Intimacy without passion and commitment

Infatuation (Puppy Love)-Passion without intimacy and commitment

Empty Love (Stagnant Marriages)-Commitment without passion and intimacy

Romantic Love-Passion and intimacy without commitment eg: extramarital and premarital affairs

Companionate Love-Intimacy and commitment without passion
Eg: many sustaining long term happy marriages found in India. An uncommon occurrence in the western culture and with the influence of west.

Fatuous Love-Passion and commitment without intimacy
Eg: love at first sight

Consummate Love-Intimacy+ Commitment+ Passion
Eg: A happy marriage

EVOLUTION OF A RELATIONSHIP:

Discover --- Explore --- Invent/Innovate --- Evolve

The whole process can take years, a lifetime or even many lifetimes depending on the intellectual ,emotional and spiritual maturity of the persons involved.
Discovery takes the longest time and one needs to be alert, aware, know yourself first(i.e: mind, body, soul, vital energy, vital force, heart, intellect, ego) and finally follow your instincts or sixth sense and the directions and leads from nature, universe and have full faith and trust that it will take you in the right direction.
Self knowledge is primary to discovery; it also involves knowledge of ones desires, needs, expectations, priorities and above all beliefs and faiths.

Then begins the phase of exploration-this should ideally begin after a formal social commitment and is usually the situation in various cultures and communities across the globe.
It involves exploration of each other in totality in the parameters mentioned above. This leads to a better understanding of one another followed by one another’s relationships, social bonds, commitments, strengths, weaknesses and above all EMOTIONS-THE ELECTRONICALLY CHARGED MOTION.

How comfortable is the silence between two individuals decides the depth of the relationship they share. Superficial relationships need assurances and proclamations of undying love but relationships with substance and depth based on unconditional love are beyond such hypocrisy and diplomacy. Though in the infancy stage of the relationship verbal and physical actions confirm the intentions of either involved, beyond this stage it is the love that speaks and heals.

The process of distancing oneself from a sour experience or relationship should be slow, gradual, insidious to prevent any hurt, ill will or animosity and should maintain mutual respect and understanding. Always put yourself in the shoes of the victim or the receiver and then act in such complex situations.

Relationships which are made suddenly like fast food do not sustain the harsh and trying times. They are like extra accessories which can be done without in life from the beginning The only reason for all social anomalies in relationships and bad social behavior is the exchange of emotions at a stage preceding the stage of discovery. This leads to a deterioration of the social structure, loss of morals and ethos with a rise in pre-marital and extramarital relationships, divorces, single parents, etc. These EMOTIONS work with the energy and force more powerful than that of a volcano or an earthquake which destroys not just the individuals involved but also the people around them –their families, communities, societies and cultures. The best examples of negative emotions are acts of crime, destruction of self and masses. They arise out of fear, insecurity and at times even from adverse and inhuman circumstances like hunger, lack of shelter, clothing and natural calamities causing destruction and devastation.

Then we come to the stage of Innovation or Invention in a relationship where each partner being respectful of each other attempts to add or subtract something or someone from each other’s lives.

This stage if both the partners have a healthy attitude towards the relationship can actually bloom together or dessicate if the attitude, approach and vision is unhealthy. A few common factors which dessicate a relationship are addictions beginning from alcohol, smoking to television, videogame, chatting and mobile addictions. Sometimes even a depressive religious belief going to the extent of superstition can decay a good relationship.
Tip: Introduce any new thing, person, routine, activity, belief in the life of your partner for a period of 30 days. If it strengthens your bonding it is positive, if it binds you it is negative and should be thrown out of the window.

The process of Innovation or invention in a relationship leads to the much needed and appreciated stage of evolution. The relationship and the couple evolve if they learn from their mistakes and correct them instead of allegating each other and circumstances and other people. Developing an attitude of learning is essential. In today’s fast paced life most people are becoming evasive and shrug their relationship problems under the carpet which is not only destructive to their psychological and emotional wellbeing but also to the society as it is giving rise to extra and pre-marital relationships, divorces, single parents and other social ills like addictions.

Last and the most important form of love is COMPASSION OR GENEROSITY
COMPASSION-Love for humanity beyond the call of one’s immediate duties is COMPASSION

This is something which if was absent survival of millions of creatures on this earth would be absent. It exists in small kind thoughts to kind words and deeds of thoughtfulness without expecting anything in return. Just think what the world would be if a friend stopped being by your side in your saddest of moments, if your sibling forgot you and the times both of you spent together nurturing each others wounds and standing together as a team others were against you,just imagine what the world would be like if there was no Gandhiji who got us freedom or no Mother Teresa to look after and care for the less privileged and the disadvantaged.
Compassion exists in the hearts of all living creatures it is upto us to nurture it and let it grow to become a legend or suppress it and lead utterly selfish and animalistic lives.

LOVE,GROW,BECOME IMMORTAL,it is only love that makes mortal human beings IMMORTAL.


About the Author
Swati is a Holistic and Wellness Consultant and Trainer. .She is the only medical professional in India who has encompassed the fundamentals of Medical Science with the Eastern Vedic Wisdom offering health in its truest sense and in its entire perspective-physical, intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual as defined by the World Health Organisation.

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